Sunshine's · rainbow

Dayana, this is it la huh. things ended. and at the rate things are, it will never never work out again. i knw i onced said my friends are yours too. even until tdy. and im not gonna ask you to draw the fucking line becoz at the end of the day, its up to my friends to be your friends too. so tht is really none of my business. but all this shit tht we're putting each other thru. isnt it the same like any other past r/s. screaming shouting hating leaving.

bestfriend, i knw you dont take sides. and i knw you have the right to be there for the both of us. but well if you realise youre prolly the only person i might trust. well at least until before tdy. w all the shits tht im going thru, or the shits i put myself thru. youre spose to be tht one person tht calls me after my whole night of fun, laughing at my silliness, telling me its oky, go have fun. coz even if youre gonna fall, i'll be here. youre spose to tell me which one to have fun more w, which one to walk out on. and discuss w me this girl tht girl and so on. youre tht one person i can still laugh and cry about over girls or over anything. even if its just one night of fun. not one person tht hangs up on me just becoz i had one night of fun. i dont even knw wht we argued about tdy. maybe becoz im disappointed its the 2nd time in weeek. how much more now. i was also disappointed in you as much as you are in me. dyou knw tht. im an emotional wreck after ytd, instead of hearing me out crying w me, you made me cry harder. you asked me wht is all this explanations i have to do, you asked me why am i explaining myself to ppl who doesnt matter, why am i doing this to myself, you asked me to draw the lines tht i have clearly drawn. you need to realise tht your line and mine are 2 different lines. wht is acceptable to me is not acceptable to you. wht is oky to me is not to you. so dont keep asking me to draw my lines, bcoz we have 2 different perspective. dont say youre sorry anymore. dont say ive got choices. but at this very moment i dont want choices. im having fun, and i knw wht im doing. and so wht if i get hurt. isnt it part of having fun. again, your fun and my fun, its 2 different meaning. we come frm diverse backgrounds thus fun is demeaning already. and trust me, i knw where youre coming frm. i totally totally totally understand you. trust me on this. but whn i said i wanted to have fun, you gotta respect tht right. i told you ive seperated fun frm feelings, really. and its either you allow me have fun and watch me have fun while always have my back to cushion my fall or just walk out on me. countless times to everyone, i need a friend. not a lover. and trust is a big big big big issue.

ruby ( or generally the group ) im sorry. i knw its selfish of me, but i really dint see myself as walking out and walking in again. i dint celebrate w you ppl just bcoz i dint have anyone else. but its becoz its only complete tht i do. im not gonna be a mega bitch here. but this year's bday dinner doesnt even feel like a birthday dinner. to those who really came and made the effort, really appreciate it. no really. bt it was just steamboat and walking to clarkequay. well if thts a 'celebration' you tell me. and you ppl are still dearest to my heart. i knw i knw by heart already there are ppl bitching about me constantly, even in the grp. and countless times, i keep saying if youve gt issues w me, come to me straight. dont suck it up in my ass. ppl whom i thot i could trust the MOST is always bitching about me. i knw all tht. maybe thts why i distance myself, its not becoz i have a partner, but its becoz all this bitching going on. i cannot have all this 2 faced thing going on. its either you like me or you dont. but i am really sorry for being gone. being gone only give it more space and time fr ppl to hate and detest me. ive totally grown numb to all that. i dunno whts to happen now. i knw we cleared almost everything last night. you can tell me it was all under the influence of alcohol, but i was glad we talked things out, you thrashed it all in my face and came clean. because at least, i could see the true ppl. i can only hope things are much better now. be it btw me and the grp or everyone else w everyone else.

there is just too much happening in one night. toomuch words altogther. i cannot do this seperately. so i give it all up and let it all out here. goodnight. im in a terrible state. things at home are reallllly crazy and out of the world. im broken.

Current Mood:

crushed